Center of Attention

My astrological sign is Leo. One of the characteristics of the ego-centric Leo is that we must be the center of attention or you will feel the might of our wrath! Okay, I made the last part up, but more or less it's true.

I'm not the one for being the center of attention. I don't like when people are focused on me because for some reason it seems to increase the odds of me making a fool of myself by 100 fold. I get nervous and self-conscious and will more than likely end up face-first on the ground, or with my foot in my mouth. It's true!

That being said, I hate it when attention isn't paid to me. I turn into this surly, nasty mess of a person. When people aren't talking to me, I will find a way to get into the conversation. I get pouty when my ideas are not taken into consideration. Basically, I turn into a 3 year old but with less screaming. Most of the time.

Basically I want to be the center of one person(or a few people's) attention at a time. I want to coast in that middle ground like normal people. Except I like more petting and recognition than most people. I'm an atta-girl searcher. I really want to know what what I've done well and how much you liked it. (Not here, mind you. I reiterate- this is for me!) I love my ego stroked more than the norm, I know this and I try very hard not to get disappointed when people don't  automatically bow down and tell me how freakin amazing I am. I have a tendency to pick apart compliments when they aren't as high as I would have liked.  I wonder what you're really thinking instead of just feeling happy with what you said to me. I try to read between the lines and over-analyze and just fill myself with doubt. Irrational? Hell, yeah, it is. But that doesn't stop me from doing it.

Anyway, this was all on my mind last night and tonight while with my husband and some friends. I was being included and yet, I couldn't help but feel completely ignored. So I'm finding myself completely withdrawn and putting on the happy face. Bubbly Brandi, always. I don't want to be the one who's down. But I am, so it doesn't last long. Someone always notices and that drives me nuts, because then I get put into the center of attention and I feel like a fool.

I don't want to be the fool.